dredpiratebunny | figuring out the next step

two hours til work...how can i already loathe this after only 2 days?...is it because i already feel i should be out of here?...oh i feel it big time. but here i am, stuck stuck stuck.

well, that and i feel sick...i thought it was allergies, but we're talking sneezing and belly hurting and an alternately stuffy then running nose. or maybe its just psychosomatic. but i dont usually play that way.

run rabbit run.
im good at that.
i know when its bad to stay.
i worry about going back though...but im pretty sure this time i will keep away from the bad things.

problem #1:
lack of mobility. i need to fix my car. and that means dont wait for the boy to do it, which has other issues attached. so that means i can ask my dad to bail me out, or see if gyllian would as a way to get me back. neither on is a good option. im not so good at giving money back to my dad if he loans it, and he just payed my storage rental fee for the month. gyllian probably would, but then it would take even longer to catch up on bills.

problem #2:
earning money until bristol starts. well, if i had a car, going back to clearwing wouldnt be a problem. and it pays better. and i get scheduled breaks (!), and it would fit into my bristol plans, mostly.

problem #3:
dont have to go home but you cant stay here. if i break up with boy, then i wont be here long obviously. dont want to go back to racine, frankly it just doesnt fit my payscale and dorkboy is reason enough. booth in bristol is yet to be acquired. so this is a big thing. if the booth was bought and paid for, it would be prime option.

those are the biggest things. the more i write and vocalize about things between myself and matt, the more i feel things just wont work between us. he doesnt have enough to give, and i think ive been trying to fit myself into his world and that just isnt working. the job and living here are just highlighting those things. his friends are noticing that hes not treating me so good, but he wont listen to them. he gives more physical touching and attention to his friend nicole than he does to me. (dont jump to conclusions, theres a story here i dont feel like typing, but its still a fucked up thing.)

so right now i think my decision is 90% made....now its just working it out.
i dont want to hurt him, but if after 6 months of serious dating, and about one year of being "a thing", he doesnt say he loves me...i dont see why he wants me to stay.

this sucks.
i feel like ass inside and out. but its almost time for work. meh