therapy through ice cream
Aug. 1st, 2005 11:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dredpiratebunnyi cant seem to shake all this crud off. it doesnt seem to matter what it is im really thinking these days. some people only want to hear what they want to hear.
i am, of course, scared to fail at this new job. what if after 4 years in fantasy land i can't hack it again?...i suppose though there is a part of me that knows better.
loosing the biggest elements of your support network does do a number on you. the slack has been caught a little, but even still....the body betrays.
i have begun to think of what i could have done differently...but i also know there is no point to dwell on it.
it comes down to this...i give out my love freely. it either gets taken, thrown back, ripped apart or run away from. how can there be more?...and yet there always is somehow. i have come back from losing my greatest love...i have had friends come and go over the years for various reasons...i have loved unselfishly...i have tried to bring peace to those i care about. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. sometimes it makes me tired of being me. sometimes i run away. sometimes i fuck up. sometimes i get fucked. it does what it does.
my immediate goals havent changed. i will continue to get my life on track as much as i can.
i miss jim. more than i would care to admit mostly. i feel like i was brought into this wonderful world and now ive been denied access. yes, we needed to get time together to figure things out, and they werent perfect. but he was as close to a good relationship that ive had in a while. that feeling finally that i was where i belonged. my true test for knowing if im with the right person, and this may sound silly: if i can sleep next to them right away. ive had it twice in my life now. and lost it both times. and while i believe in fighting for what i want, it does me no good if he doesnt think that i am worth fighting for.
so there you go.
and honestly i am taking this as a sign that i need to focus more on myself these days...that maybe i cant afford to consume someone else's broken pieces. maybe i didnt have enough heart to give.
i am, of course, scared to fail at this new job. what if after 4 years in fantasy land i can't hack it again?...i suppose though there is a part of me that knows better.
loosing the biggest elements of your support network does do a number on you. the slack has been caught a little, but even still....the body betrays.
i have begun to think of what i could have done differently...but i also know there is no point to dwell on it.
it comes down to this...i give out my love freely. it either gets taken, thrown back, ripped apart or run away from. how can there be more?...and yet there always is somehow. i have come back from losing my greatest love...i have had friends come and go over the years for various reasons...i have loved unselfishly...i have tried to bring peace to those i care about. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. sometimes it makes me tired of being me. sometimes i run away. sometimes i fuck up. sometimes i get fucked. it does what it does.
my immediate goals havent changed. i will continue to get my life on track as much as i can.
i miss jim. more than i would care to admit mostly. i feel like i was brought into this wonderful world and now ive been denied access. yes, we needed to get time together to figure things out, and they werent perfect. but he was as close to a good relationship that ive had in a while. that feeling finally that i was where i belonged. my true test for knowing if im with the right person, and this may sound silly: if i can sleep next to them right away. ive had it twice in my life now. and lost it both times. and while i believe in fighting for what i want, it does me no good if he doesnt think that i am worth fighting for.
so there you go.
and honestly i am taking this as a sign that i need to focus more on myself these days...that maybe i cant afford to consume someone else's broken pieces. maybe i didnt have enough heart to give.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 06:12 pm (UTC)*SLAP!*
Snap out of it!
You can do anything you set your heart to, you know that!
Especially when it comes to your self-preservation!
I know I'm not high ranking in your support network (being a state away) but I'm still there for you doll!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-03 04:44 am (UTC)besides, with said job ill be able to visit you on a semi-regular basis maybe. how can i give up that? (:3
no subject
Date: 2005-08-04 12:28 am (UTC)Exactly! How can you give up the opportunity to see us? People kill for that opportunity!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 08:37 pm (UTC)You're a strong person, and you'll prevail. I admire how you keep going.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-03 04:44 am (UTC)(:3