dredpiratebunny | friday's freak out and nothing doin'

so the boy and i had a talk on friday night.

this was proceeded by a friday morning in anguish and tears. i didnt want to bring it up, but my body was so twisty inside. i almost didnt make it to work. i wanted to hide and let it wash over me...but i know im stronger than that.

as much as im sure nothing really changed, i feel better for getting all that out of my system. the gist is i felt there were two things we needed to talk about:

that i didnt think we were doing okay.
im not happy and i think its work related.

the first part i told him everything i felt and what i thought. i dont think he really listened. i tried to explain to him what i wanted in a relationship, and what it takes to keep me happy and feeling as if i matter to him. i learned that this is important. my last relationship i wasnt so great about saying what my needs are. i have a tendency to put others needs ahead of mine and keep mine inside. i am trying not to do that this time. so i dont think he really listened to that.

the second part i explained that i am not like him. he works his job not because he likes it, but because it supports his lifestyle and the things he wants. i can respect that, but im not like that. i need to enjoy what i do...and ren faire is the one place in my life when ive felt that i completely belonged...i miss it, and i hadnt realized how much. its my home, my instant community and family when i need it, my place to disappear into the lines on the road. add to that the fact that almost every job out here i can apply for is crappier pay and it just seems smarter to go back on the road.

he doesnt understand this.

i dont want to choose, but it will come to that. i dont want to hurt him, because i love him. (said it again that night, still havent heard it from him)...but i need to do whats right for me...and put myself first before i get lost again.

oddly enough, the physical affection is back now that we've talked...i didnt think he'd want me sleeping next to him that night...that i was going to have to find a place to crash...but we slept next to each other and had a good past two days and lots of sex. i dont get it. but like i said, i dont think he really listened to what i need out of this, and i dont think he'll change (i will play the optimist and hope so, but im pretty sure ive made up my mind.) i honestly think we'd be better as friends (and with benefits!)

he claims that my car will get looked at for sure this week....but im not sure its salvageable at this point. which sucks, as i need to be mobile, or i need to live on site.

days to faire: 27, and not passing fast enough!