me 'n' the general lee

tonight i finally get to see the dukes of hazzard movie!

my buddy rob (who does movie reviews) is bringing me to a sneak peek.

i cant wait to see whether i either make it onto the big screen (for all of a few frames at the most) or whether i'll be in the credits. well, i suppose i don't really feel like either of those things is actually going to happen, but still, it will be fun to watch the movie and know some of the stories behind where they filmed what.

maybe i should bring my piece of the general lee and let people touch it for a quarter.

(no subject)

as expected, im not in the movie or in the credits....but the memories live on baby!!!

therapy through ice cream

i cant seem to shake all this crud off. it doesnt seem to matter what it is im really thinking these days. some people only want to hear what they want to hear.

i am, of course, scared to fail at this new job. what if after 4 years in fantasy land i can't hack it again?...i suppose though there is a part of me that knows better.

loosing the biggest elements of your support network does do a number on you. the slack has been caught a little, but even still....the body betrays.

i have begun to think of what i could have done differently...but i also know there is no point to dwell on it.

it comes down to this...i give out my love freely. it either gets taken, thrown back, ripped apart or run away from. how can there be more?...and yet there always is somehow. i have come back from losing my greatest love...i have had friends come and go over the years for various reasons...i have loved unselfishly...i have tried to bring peace to those i care about. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. sometimes it makes me tired of being me. sometimes i run away. sometimes i fuck up. sometimes i get fucked. it does what it does.

my immediate goals havent changed. i will continue to get my life on track as much as i can.

i miss jim. more than i would care to admit mostly. i feel like i was brought into this wonderful world and now ive been denied access. yes, we needed to get time together to figure things out, and they werent perfect. but he was as close to a good relationship that ive had in a while. that feeling finally that i was where i belonged. my true test for knowing if im with the right person, and this may sound silly: if i can sleep next to them right away. ive had it twice in my life now. and lost it both times. and while i believe in fighting for what i want, it does me no good if he doesnt think that i am worth fighting for.

so there you go.
and honestly i am taking this as a sign that i need to focus more on myself these days...that maybe i cant afford to consume someone else's broken pieces. maybe i didnt have enough heart to give.