bring the scuba gear, this goes deep
Feb. 17th, 2004 11:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dredpiratebunny...why mention you have something to say...and then not say it...i dont get it...he says to wait til hes ready, and its not a big deal...then stupid dumb girl logic steps in and says if its no big deal, then why not tell me?...im not good at this relationship thing at all...maybe i shouldnt have gotten one so soon...was it a cling response?...
does anyone have a fucking clue what theyre doing?...i certainly dont...i change my mind every day...suck it up and buy tan pants?..or run away back to the "circus"?...or go back to school?..or find dink in az?...or beg my uncle to camp out on his land and do the whole shaman thing?...or press j.kara for a job at umvd in l.a.?....
TOO MANY FUCKING OPTIONS!
and really thats what it comes down to...and what my problem has always been...
...i am not specific...
...jane of all medias, mistress of none...the title of my college days...i rebelled so badly at being told what to do that somehow i didnt learn how to focus...and would i have traded in the neat things i did at college?...no fucking way...should i have tried harder?...yup....
...and ive spent 2 months on my ass getting soft and weakminded...laying heavy on the boy for support...so much so im surprised hes still interested...i feel like one of those paranoid weirdos...the kind with the tinfoil hat...how the hell do i motivate myself again?...instead im actually entertaining the idea of going back...not fighting to make it work here....and here is where i am...where is the living in the fucking moment?...
...i am 28 years old and i am scared that no one will ever "get" me...
...i am scared that ill end up dead-ended in a place i cant call my own...
...i plod on like everyone else, with no concept of how to progress...i have never been this broke in my life...not that anything has ever been cushy for me, but if this isnt my rock bottom, it better be done with soon...the worst reality is knowing that i put myself here...that i decided this...but i also thought id be working by now...instead its taking too long and it makes me have doubts...self doubt sucks...
...how can i sell myself to corporate america when i dont believe in it?...i am sucked into so much bullshit that i, too, beg and plead for a job i dont want, that makes a lie of my life...and yet the fact that i am not doing what i want?...maybe its a sign that i cant cut it....and knowing that about yourself sucks...
so where does this leave me?...not sure...maybe the fight instinct will kick back in...what will jumpstart it?...also not sure...the pressure remains though: get a car get a job get out of this house...get going...and do your damnedest to never look back.
dogma by kmfdm says how i feel...
All we want is a headrush
All we want is to get out of our skin for a while
We have nothing to lose because we don't have anything
Anything we want anyway...
We used to hate people
Now we just make fun of them
It's more effective that way
We don't live
We just scratch on day to day
With nothing but matchbooks and
Sarcasm in our pockets
And all we are waiting for
Is for something worth waiting for
Let's admit america gets the celebrities we deserve
Let's stop saying "Don't quote me"
Because if no one quotes you
You probably haven't said a thing worth saying
We need something to kill the pain
Of all that nothing inside
We all just want to die a little bit
We fear that pop-culture
Is the only culture we're ever going to have
We want to stop reading magazines
Stop watching TV
Stop caring about hollywood
But we're addicted to the things we hate
We don't run washington and no one really does
Ask not what you can do for your country
Ask what your country did to you
The only reason you're still alive is because someone
Has decided to let you live
We owe so much money we're not broke we're broken
We're so poor we can't even pay attention
So what do you want
You want to be famous and rich and happy
But you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world
Nothing to say and no way to say it
But you can say it in three languages
You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
You are alternately thrilled and desperate
Skyhigh and fucked
Let's stop praying for someone
To save us and start saving ourselves
Let's stop this and start over
Let's go out - Let's keep going
This is your life - This is your fucking life
We need something to kill
The pain of all that nothing inside
Quit whining you haven't done
Anything wrong because frankly
You haven't done much of anything
Someone's writing down your mistakes
Someone's documenting your downfall
does anyone have a fucking clue what theyre doing?...i certainly dont...i change my mind every day...suck it up and buy tan pants?..or run away back to the "circus"?...or go back to school?..or find dink in az?...or beg my uncle to camp out on his land and do the whole shaman thing?...or press j.kara for a job at umvd in l.a.?....
TOO MANY FUCKING OPTIONS!
and really thats what it comes down to...and what my problem has always been...
...i am not specific...
...jane of all medias, mistress of none...the title of my college days...i rebelled so badly at being told what to do that somehow i didnt learn how to focus...and would i have traded in the neat things i did at college?...no fucking way...should i have tried harder?...yup....
...and ive spent 2 months on my ass getting soft and weakminded...laying heavy on the boy for support...so much so im surprised hes still interested...i feel like one of those paranoid weirdos...the kind with the tinfoil hat...how the hell do i motivate myself again?...instead im actually entertaining the idea of going back...not fighting to make it work here....and here is where i am...where is the living in the fucking moment?...
...i am 28 years old and i am scared that no one will ever "get" me...
...i am scared that ill end up dead-ended in a place i cant call my own...
...i plod on like everyone else, with no concept of how to progress...i have never been this broke in my life...not that anything has ever been cushy for me, but if this isnt my rock bottom, it better be done with soon...the worst reality is knowing that i put myself here...that i decided this...but i also thought id be working by now...instead its taking too long and it makes me have doubts...self doubt sucks...
...how can i sell myself to corporate america when i dont believe in it?...i am sucked into so much bullshit that i, too, beg and plead for a job i dont want, that makes a lie of my life...and yet the fact that i am not doing what i want?...maybe its a sign that i cant cut it....and knowing that about yourself sucks...
so where does this leave me?...not sure...maybe the fight instinct will kick back in...what will jumpstart it?...also not sure...the pressure remains though: get a car get a job get out of this house...get going...and do your damnedest to never look back.
dogma by kmfdm says how i feel...
All we want is a headrush
All we want is to get out of our skin for a while
We have nothing to lose because we don't have anything
Anything we want anyway...
We used to hate people
Now we just make fun of them
It's more effective that way
We don't live
We just scratch on day to day
With nothing but matchbooks and
Sarcasm in our pockets
And all we are waiting for
Is for something worth waiting for
Let's admit america gets the celebrities we deserve
Let's stop saying "Don't quote me"
Because if no one quotes you
You probably haven't said a thing worth saying
We need something to kill the pain
Of all that nothing inside
We all just want to die a little bit
We fear that pop-culture
Is the only culture we're ever going to have
We want to stop reading magazines
Stop watching TV
Stop caring about hollywood
But we're addicted to the things we hate
We don't run washington and no one really does
Ask not what you can do for your country
Ask what your country did to you
The only reason you're still alive is because someone
Has decided to let you live
We owe so much money we're not broke we're broken
We're so poor we can't even pay attention
So what do you want
You want to be famous and rich and happy
But you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world
Nothing to say and no way to say it
But you can say it in three languages
You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
You are alternately thrilled and desperate
Skyhigh and fucked
Let's stop praying for someone
To save us and start saving ourselves
Let's stop this and start over
Let's go out - Let's keep going
This is your life - This is your fucking life
We need something to kill
The pain of all that nothing inside
Quit whining you haven't done
Anything wrong because frankly
You haven't done much of anything
Someone's writing down your mistakes
Someone's documenting your downfall
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-18 02:56 am (UTC)Arg!
I was so zonked last night I never heard the phone...
Re:
Date: 2004-02-18 11:28 pm (UTC)